A Part Of Wat It Means To Be Alive

“Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That's part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that's where I imagine it - there's a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you'll live forever in your own private library.”

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

   I haven't posted for ages! Why? I don't know, I felt like I was too busy, too many things going on in my life lately, too little free time to just sit and think for a bit about some things, things that are really important. So, trying to solve one hundred of day-to-day issues, I completely forgot about my blog and what is worse - I forgot about my "library". Do things get out of order on their own? Or do we let them?
  I finally got back to the gym after a long break. This morning when I was on a running track (running and thinking about completely nothing), I stopped for a second to drink some water, my headphones fell down and when I went down to pick them up I experienced déjà vu, this haven't happened to me for a long time! This is always such a strange feeling... I kept running, trying to come back to that perfect state of mind, where my brain would be a total black screen. But it didn't work. I thought -  I actually did run in the same gym, on the same track, listening to the same music, wearing same trainers a year (!) ago. And it was still me - a year ago and today. I started making some kind of "reference cards" as Murakami says. How many things happened during last 365 days? Thousands! How many of them were important to me? Maybe around a hundred? How many of them really influenced my life? Maybe ten? How many of them changed me?.. I thought some of them did! But then, why am I still the same? Looking in the mirror in front of my track I realized that nothing and nobody has changed me!
   All of these things that happened, all of those people I met, all of the places I went to - they should have found their unique space on the shelves of my private library. But I pretended to be too busy, that I really forgot to put them there! And finally I understood, that all disorder in my life that I'm feeling now is because first things must come first! I remember to clean my apartment, but why do I forget to do same with my minds?
   It's just essential to find a day for yourself, to be completely alone, to not think what will happen tomorrow, to just preciously put right things in right boxes, label the boxes and put them on the shelves. And you'll come back to them once again on one of such days, believe me. And it will be a very happy day, because memories is all what we eventually get.
   Don't ever forget to take care of your library! And leave most positive moments at the most visible places. Meantime...somewhere in Florence - a random guy with his dog by occasion became one of such memories :)